Originally published at: YourTango.com Photo credit: Your Tango
Catch the counterfeits to make way for the real deal.
If she thinks that he’s "The One", women tend to stay with a man regardless of his behavior.
I’m a professional Matchmaker at Matchmakers In The City, and I date coach a lot of women who have been through it with a guy who they thought was "The One".
One of the Bachelorettes who I date coached, Jennifer, exemplifies the situation that many women find themselves. She described Rob to me who had a pull on her for years, even when they only rarely saw each other. They met at work and began casually hanging out as friends, learning that they shared the common background of divorced parents.
This was the first time that she met a man who could deeply empathize with the pain that she had dealt with for years. He also had handsome features, athletic shoulders, and an arresting smile to top it off. But, to her dismay, he frequently flaked on plans, but she tried to act nonchalant to preserve their casual friendship that she treasured, even though she yearned to be more than just friends.
Eventually, they both recognized their intense attraction to each other at a party, their relationship entered into murky territory, and he ended up ghosting her. Through her friends, she heard stories of his excessive drinking and partying habits.
Hung up on the connection that they had together, she held onto hope that he would change and realize that they were made for each other.
Don't be like Jennifer. Here are 7 signs that can help you detect your counter-fit soul mate, so that you can break up with him ASAP:
1. He’s unfaithful.
If he cheats, he needs alone time and a severe life change. Some women will defend their boyfriends saying that men, by nature, cheat.
As a professional Matchmaker, I will tell you once and for all: monogamy proves challenging for both men and women. Love is a choice, and he chose to fulfill his selfish desires and gratify his ego rather than to love you.
2. He’s "not looking for anything serious."
Of course, you want to spend time getting to know each other, but after a few months, if he hesitates to make your relationship official (with titles), take note. This man may be too immature for the kind of fulfilling relationship that you want.
Figure out the kind of commitment that you desire, and he needs to step up or get out of line so that the right man can take his proper place. Ladies, stop selling yourself short. Refuse to wait around for years for a man who’s unsure of what he wants.
3. You’re afraid.
If you fear that it will be impossible to find another man who you’ll find so attractive or who makes you feel this way, listen up. You will. You will find the right man who you find extremely attractive, and he’ll make you feel beautiful. You also may have some fear that other men will fail to want you.
Maybe you put on a few pounds since you started dating, or a few years have passed, and time has taken its toll on your appearance. Rest assured that taking care of yourself and increased exercise costs a lot less than healing the emotional wounds that will continue if you stay with this guy.
4. He directs his potty mouth at you.
If a guy curses at you, demeans you, or is abusive towards you, even if it's just for a few moments, it's time to say goodbye. Of course, everyone has flaws, but a man who exhibits any of these behaviors towards you needs to leave. Separate from him before the abuse gets worse.
5. He flakes on you.
A few of our Bachelorettes have experienced the heartbreaking scenario of getting stood up by a man who they cared about and wanted to see again. After he missed their date, they felt tempted to continue to date him.
In this case, I advise women to use the fluke or flaw rule. He may have forgotten this one time (a fluke), or he flakes often and found something else more immediately gratifying to do (a flaw).
Remember, you hold the power; you can give him another chance to discern this character trait about him, but if this is a behavior pattern, give him up, girl. Time and time again, reliability reveals itself as one of the most important qualities of a good future husband.
6. He acts like he’s in middle school.
A man who lies clearly has low self-esteem. He thinks that he needs to put on a show for women to want him or to get anything that he wants. This also reveals that he has failed to mature to a place where he feels comfortable in his own skin.
In order for love to work, both people need to love themselves, make sacrifices, and commit 100 percent. A common game-playing tactic occurs when a man may try to hurt you since he believes that you did something wrong.
However, your relationship can only survive if you both choose to be the bigger person. Sure, you can, and should, lovingly tell your significant other if his actions hurt you, but revenge kills love.
7. He freeloads off of your success.
As many of our Girl Boss Bachelorettes affirm, they want a man who can hold his own and take care of himself. If you find that your guy depends on you for moneyand takes advantage of your success, it’s time to tighten your belt.
I have seen the heartache caused when women misidentify "The One". Instead of a title that takes months of discernment, women may use it as a band-aid to cover the ugliness of their boyfriend’s actions.
Fortunately for Jennifer, a few years pass, and she succeeded with honors at the business. At a company function, she ran into Rob who looked quite different than the handsome man she once knew: now sullen, tired, and aged beyond his years.
Whispers around the company revealed that Rob had a problem with drugs. Clearly, she was saved from a relationship with a self-destructive, unstable person. After years of agonizing over losing the man of her dreams and going over their every interaction in minute detail, she saw his tragic true colors and felt a sense of relief in her heart.