By: Alessandra Conti, Matchmaker
Nearly every day I encounter gorgeous, hopeful young women attempting to make sense of their last interaction with the guy who they are dating. They are frustrated and confused at the immature behavior that their male counterparts are displaying over and over again. They end things with one guy, and the next is even worse. Women are puzzled when the actor/model/bartender whom they are dating does not seem to want to have the DTR (Define The Relationship) talk. The woman who is dating a man within the Silicon Beach start-up circle has this issue as does the “it’s complicated” girlfriend of the law clerk who is taking the bar this May. The one thing that all of these men have in common is that they are not yet ready for a serious relationship.
If a man is not settled and satisfied in his career, he cannot even begin to think about a serious relationship. Casual sex, yes. A Tinder meet-up? Sure. But a meaningful, long-term relationship? Not so much. LA is such a tricky place to date in the first place because most people are coming to Hollywood to pursue their dreams. They are coming with the mindset that they are going to be the next-big-whatever… be it an actor, a web developer who comes out with the hottest App, a law school grad who wants to make it as Amanda Knox’s next attorney, etc. LA may lack many things, but ambition is not one of them. As wonderful as it is to be surrounded by men and women who are hustling to make their dreams a reality, it is an extremely difficult climate that does not exactly lend itself to developing meaningful romantic relationships.
Men are creatures who live their lives in a compartmentalized fashion. Think of a man as an unfinished house. The foundation has been built, and he is working on building the first floor. Yes, he has thought about the upstairs and mapped out the six bedrooms, lounge, and office (we are in Beverly Hills, darling), but he cannot and will not get started on the upstairs until he has finished the downstairs. Maybe he will go up there to have a beer or tinker around a bit, but even if he begins to build-up and decorate the upstairs rooms, he will eventually have to go back downstairs and finish what he started. When entering a relationship, it is vital to understand where a man is within his career path. Maybe he was just named the partner at his law firm? This is good news. His App just got 1 million downloads? Go on that second date. I am not encouraging you to be a gold-digger or discriminate against men with lower incomes… on the contrary. I am just saying that, whatever their profession may be, in whatever industry or income bracket, in order for a man to be fully immersed and happy in his relationship with you, he needs to be satisfied and succeeding within his career. Success is relative to the career that he chooses. If a man is not yet at the top of his field, he needs to feel as though he is working towards that goal and that it is in sight before entering a happy, healthy relationship. Of course, some men are consummate Bachelors and will forever revel in an unfinished upstairs, but most men are excited to enjoy the chapter in their lives where they can begin to start a family with the woman that they love. The trick is to meet men at this point in their lives… and it is rarely in their early 20s (unless he is @markzuckerberg).
So much of a man’s pride and emotional stability comes from his career. Stability and confidence prove to be an extremely strong foundation to build a successful relationship upon. He has been told from an early age that he will be the provider of his future family, the bread winner, and he needs to utilize his resources, work hard, and eventually he will be able to live the lifestyle that he desires. Boys are taught early on that their most important duty is to support their families. Women also of course have an urge and desire to have fabulous careers, follow their dreams, and support their families, but many men (and women for that matter) do not rely on the support of their future partner. They want to make it happen themselves.
So am I advising all of you lovely ladies reading this to drop your studly early 20-something Associate and date his boss? No. But, I am challenging you to take a look at the men whom you are viewing as potential contenders for your heart and use a bit of discernment when it comes to choosing where to invest your emotions.
One of the perks of being a Beverly Hills Matchmaker is that my Clients are at the point in their lives where they are ready. They have focused on their careers and have put their love lives on the backburner up until they have felt content within their careers. Now, they are enjoying the fruits of their labor and are ready to share them with someone whom they can devote their attention to. They are ready to begin constructing their fabulous upstairs with one of the best contractors in the business (if I may say so myself).
Your favorite Beverly Hills Matchmaker,
*I do want to add a little disclaimer to this article: I have matched many couples in my early years as a matchmaker who were nowhere near their ideal careers, and they have thrived in happy relationships. They have enjoyed growing together within their career and general life-paths. This article in no way discounts your relationship or makes it any less wonderful than it is. If anything, it is a testimate to you, your love, hard work, and tenacity in consistently developing your relationship to make sure that you are both satisfied and growing at a healthy pace together and apart. It is more difficult to date an early 20-something, but you have proved that it is, indeed, possible. Cheers.