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The 4 Qualities You Both Need for a Successful Relationship

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Find out if your lover has what it takes.

When I meet someone for the first time, after they break out into an off-tune rendition of “Matchmaker, Matchmaker make me a match!,” they ask me, “What makes a successful match?” As a Matchmaker in Beverly Hills, I boil it down to four qualities that both the Bachelor and Bachelorette need to possess if the relationship will continue from the first date. From the start, we want our matches to be physically compatible and age appropriate, and each dater must be single and genuinely looking for love. Our Bachelors and Bachelorettes are background/social media checked as well, but this process only explains the superficial level of what we do, the tip of the iceberg. Our real work comes in when we discern the following four traits:

1. Reliability. Unless your potential lover has it together enough to follow through on her promises, she will cause you a lot of pain, even in the beginning stages of a relationship. The same standard goes for you: if you tell her that you will call on a certain day, do it. If you make plans, stick to them, regardless of what comes up in your life. Expect friends’ birthdays and work pressures to arise after you have set a date, tempting you to break your pledge. We make our Bachelors repeat this to themselves every day, “My word is my bond.” You may get distracted, but in order for a woman to take you seriously, you must be a man of your word. If you have forgetful tendencies, write yourself a note on your phone calendar for the day and time that you need to call, make reservations, or plan the afternoon picnic at the museum.

Also, three words that you need to remember during the courting process: be on time. Ladies, this one is especially for you. Tardiness is a huge turnoff for our Bachelors. I recently worked with a Bachelor who needed to bring this up to his match on the third date since she had been a half hour late for all three. This made for an uncomfortable conversation, and almost killed the relationship in its infancy. She changed, now they’re engaged!, but most men have less patience than our smitten Bachelor.

2. Communication. What kind of communicator are you? Typically women like to talk more than men, so Bachelors need to amp this up when pursuing a Bachelorette. Remember, you want her to feel secure and protected, so make sure that you stay in touch. We work with busy professionals, so we advise them to make the time that they connect count. Instead of texting every minute of the day, a phone call at night, even for fifteen minutes, can serve you much better. However, let the relationship progress naturally. Avoid calling every night if you have just met her, but a cute text alluding to an inside joke that you both have is perfect.

3. Passion for life. It is a popular consensus in the business world that there are two kinds of people: the authors and the weather reporters. The authors create their own lives and take chances, bravely trying new experiences. The weather reporters, on the other hand, simply comment on what happens to them. One is active, one is passive. The author possesses an excitement for life that drives her to pursue her purpose. Passionate and positive, she attracts others and bounces back from life’s struggles. She celebrates life. Conversely, the weather reporter complains about his lot in life, plays the victim, and blames others for his problems. He eschews any responsibility for the consequences of his actions and focuses on negativity, i.e. how his co-worker wants to sabotage him. A happy relationship requires two people of the same philosophy: two authors who can create their life together.

In relationships, we can take this philosophy a step further. Do your words tear people down or build them up? Evidently, weather reporters hurt themselves, but even worse, they damage others. They derive a sick sense of pleasure from using a microscope to criticize others. Afraid to hope for their own lives, they hate to see others succeed. It reminds them of their own faults and inadequacies. Consequently, their cycle of demeaning others starts again. If you want to live a happy and successful life, choose to be an author and only date fellow authors.

4. Religion/Spirituality. A couple also needs to be yoked similarly in terms of their relationship with God. If a man works constantly with barely enough time to sleep, he would be the worst match for a woman who prioritizes prayer, mediation, and spending time in a religious community. Consequently, if someone is a staunch atheist, he would be a terrible match for a devoted Christian. In both of these cases the pairs have opposing values. People are at different phases of their spiritual journeys, but if someone closes himself off to God, let him be. People can change the most when you start relationships as friends. Stick to your morals and avoid the heartbreak of missionary dating.

These four pillars form the strong foundation for a happy, healthy, and successful relationship. People can sustain a relationship with less than four of these traits, but the goal for our couples is to have a happy relationship, instead of simply to be in one. Start by developing these qualities for yourself and cultivating friendships with similar people. If you value your friendships instead of taking them for granted, you will set the perfect course for your future romance.

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